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June 8th, 2009

Your intrepid editor didn't think these broadcasts were being missed very much, but it was pointed out this weekend that there may still be an audience. So let's fire up the news machine again!

Two American reporters capture on the North Korean border have been sentenced to twelve years in a hard labor prison. The reporters were accused of crossing the border from China into North Korea. Here's a look at what may be in store for them.

The Supreme Court has declined to hear an appeal from an Army Captain dismissed under the ridiculous and stupid "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Because when we're engaged in multiple wars and our military is so short-handed that we're sending guys back for fourth or fifth tours to the point where they're killing themselves because they can't handle the strain, we are clearly in a position to turn away competent and willing soldiers because they're gay. Happy LGBT Pride Month!

I've been watching the coverage of that Air France plane crash outside Brazil with a morbid fascination – on alternating days I am convinced that the plane crashed on the Lost island or that the whole thing was sucked into an alien spaceship X Files style. (Don't look at me like that.) But over the weekend they started finding bodies, and now it looks like they've found debris from the plane. So my paranoia can rest for another day.

Forty one children are dead and several others injured after a fire at a Mexican day care facility. The fire apparently started in a nearby warehouse and spread into the day care, where children were trapped inside until parents used their cars to break down walls.

Stephen Colbert is in Iraq all this week! He even got a buzz cut (under orders of the President). He also guest-edited this week's edition of Newsweek.

Will Steve Jobs show up at Mac's Worldwide Developer's Conference today? His presence or absence is expected to affect the company's stock. Which is stupid. Look, I'm a Mac user. I love my Mac. But the whole attitude of the Mac audience about Steve Jobs is just stupid. HE'S ONE GUY. Microsoft stock doesn't plummet is Bill Gates takes a few months off. Get a grip, Mac people.

Was David Carradine murdered by ninjas?

Finally today, an update on perhaps one of the most important stories of our time: the Montauk Monster. There's a new story emerging about the creature's origin involving a raccoon, a pool toy, and a Viking funeral pyre. But that theory doesn't explain the NEW Montauk Monster, found last month.